Need to vent. Since I can’t any other way.. And I need to get my thoughts together by writing it down rather than saying it. This post will either make a lot of sense or none at all or maybe in between.
I keep having reoccurring dreams and I don’t know what they meant. At least I did…they stopped and I had one that took a turn so I’m hoping that it’s a good thing. Lately I’ve dreamt about riding a motorcycle a few times. I’ve looked up what it means and it makes a lot of sense.
I’m trying to go after what I want in life, but it’s hard. I wish I had a better job, and a part of me feels like a big fat zero because of it… You’re right everything revolves around money, but why?
I was never one to care about it. Granted, I’m very good at managing it…but money is just an object to me. Maybe, I get that from my aunt. I just don’t care as long as I’m taken care of..that’s why I don’t mind paying for things
But either way, I feel like you’ll turn a blind eye because I feel like a big fat zero.. But im trying I really am…
The irony of it is that we need money to stay together, now that you’re making it we are apart. That’s why I say it’s such a price. Not talking to you much, and being away from you sucks. And it sucks that I’m unable to do my part…
So is it really worth it?
Sometimes I like to be reassured about things. Okay, maybe all the time… Because sometimes I feel a slight hesitation. I’m surprised when I hear those little thoughtful words because it means so much to me. And if you’re reading this which you will eventually, you’ll know what I’m talking about.
I express my feelings a lot. That’s just how I am. I find it easier to express emotionally. I like to feel wanted, and needed. It makes me feel like I have purpose. But I like it more when it comes from you.
I consider myself a happy person. I have flaws. Anyone who’s close to me knows that every now and then when I’m down, I get really down. I’m a fighter. I fought it all my life. Sometimes it gets easy and sometimes it doesn’t. I never want to be in the position I was in last year and i still shudder to think just how bad it really was…
I was told people like that are very intelligent people. We see things as they are and we have the ability to read between the lines. I understand that life happens in cycles and we as an individual have the ability to either stop or repeat that cycle…
This is what I tried to express.
I don’t want another cycle… On both parts..
I’m okay. I really am. Believe me when I say this. Sometimes my thoughts run so fast I sit there and try to collect them all but they’re just racing so fast and I don’t know how to stop them. If you pay attention, you’ll know when it happens.
When I say you, it’s not directing towards anyone specific unless you’re reading this you’ll know when it does.
I hate writing long posts like this because I would much rather not express in such detail, and I don’t want you to read this and be upset that I’m writing but rather be happy that I’m expressing myself in a healthy way since you’re asleep and I can’t get to you. Maybe I’ll put this on my other blog so no one can read it except you.
I love you more than words can say and I can honestly say I have never loved anyone more than I love you. I want to be with you and I want you to know that I would never give up on you, just promise me that you won’t give up on me. We’ve come too far and we have built such a beautiful life and relationship together it’s such a terrible thing to waste. People would kill to have what we have. We get a long so well. I never get sick of you and our families except us. You take care of me and I try my best to take care of you. I just want to be with you… The right way..
The typing is starting to lag which means I probably wrote way to much so I’ll end it here. I get to see you tomorrow and I really can’t wait and I hope you’re really excited to see me too and spend time with me. I love when you get excited. I love when you express how much you love me. I just love it. I hope you’re sleeping with the angels. I wish I was there to kiss you goodnight. But for now, I’ll just wait.. And hope that in time I’ll get to kiss you goodnight every night for the rest of my life. @